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Life Chapters.

October 12, 2011

I should be studying right now. I want to be studying right now. But I am in one of those weird, emotional moods where I can’t fully focus on school. I have some kind of burning happening inside me. Is it a burning of inspiration, a burning of frustration, or confusion, or something else? Sometimes I don’t even know what emotion I am feeling. I think that is why I started and why I fell in love with writing: to find sense in my abstract emotions.

I am at a weird place in my life. I know what I want long term, but what in the hell do I want short term? Do I want to be in a relationship right now? Should I be in a relationship right now? How do I get myself to focus better on my school work? Do I even want to be in school right now? Is it going to matter if I graduate or not? Do I want to cut back on my social life? Do I want to make more time for myself? Depending on the time of day, I give myself different answers to these questions.

For the past few months I have had my faith in God challenged more than ever before, and I in no way thought that was possible before. I may have a different few of God and religion than a lot of people, but I know that I cannot ignore his presence; his existence. I cannot ignore what he has done in and for my life.

Often times I doubt myself. Actually I doubt myself almost all the time. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I am a very anxious person, which is may be why I have to write and think and overanalyze everything in my life.

With that said though, I have experienced change these last few months. Change for the better. I once heard someone say that evidence of someone having a successful pursuit of God comes in growth. Well, I have certainly grown.

I look at me from a year ago and I do not even feel like the same person. Not even remotely. And despite what others may think, despite the fact that I may seem to some like I have lost a lot of my faith, I ask myself, “Has this change been for the better?” And the answer to that is undoubtedly, “Yes. Don’t even ask that. It’s a silly question.” Not to say that I am this awesome person now who has everything figured out, cause that couldn’t be further from the truth, BUT, I am finally becoming the person that I always know I had deep inside me, but could never seem to grab ahold of and bring to the surface before. I am a doer now.

I have evolved. I have shed skin. And my biggest problem as a result as been knowing how to deal with this new skin. That has been the part that I have not done a very good job of and as a result I have allowed myself into this weird place that has built itself up to surround me. As my friend Charlie would say though, “Your life is awesome right now. You have no reason to be frustrated with things.”

And he is right. My life is awesome right now. I just keep allowing myself to make it harder than it really is.

I let the reins of my life slip out of my grasp. I merely let my focus relax a bit and all I need to do now is reach out and grab the reins back in and this weird place in my life is going to pass.

It is amazing how life works in stages. It seems fitting that books and novels are written in chapters. Because it really is the perfect metaphor for how life works. I’m in the middle of rising action of my life story. Soon, I will be chasing my dreams for real and I will face the biggest and scariest dragons I’ll ever see.

But all that doesn’t happen until at least a few life chapters from now. And it never did anyone any good to look ahead several chapters in a novel. One doesn’t get much out of a novel unless he or she is focused in on what is happening in the present moment of the pages. You have to take novels one page at a time in order to do it justice.

I am terribly exited to find out what happens in the next few chapters and beyond in my life. And that is how it should be. Because you know you’re living a good story when you can’t wait to see what happens next. Just like you know you’re reading a good book when you feel the same.

But the next few chapters won’t have the same impact and excitement unless you slow down your reading and allow yourself to comprehend what is happening in the current chapter. So be excited about your future life chapters, but slow down and read the present chapter closely and hold on to every word.

Because if you do, God will right there with you, looking over your shoulder and smiling.

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