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March 26, 2011

I that please some, try all; both joy and terror

of good and bad; that makes and unfoolds error,

Now take upon me in the name of Time

To use my wings. Impute it not a crime

To me or my swift passage that I slide.

– Shakespeare, The Winter’s Tale

Break-ups are tough. I never knew exactly how tough until a few weeks ago, when my girlfriend and I “broke up.”

She was my first real girlfriend (I don’t really count my high school flings) and I had waited until my junior year in college to find and pursue her. Needless to say, I fell hard and fast and even though almost every step of our relationship seemed to be a bit of a struggle, I refused to let it end – until three weeks ago.

We had a pretty big blow-up to end things, which I’m not going to go into much detail with, out of respect of her and us. But things just didn’t work out between us, no matter how determined I was to make it do so.

Throughout the relationship, I refused to let bad timing affect our ending. However, I recently realized that bad timing is a part of life, dating and, therefore, breakups. Bad timing happens, and no matter how hard one tries, it is inescapable when it happens. It cannot be overcome – no matter how compatible the two people in that relationship are.

Instances like this just means that that particular relationship, at that particular time, between those particular people, is not ready to work. And that is okay. There are more chances out there. More chances for good timing.

Even though I decided to react to the breakup with bitterness at first, I now know that it was due to a factor outside of each of our control. It was easy to blame her for everything, but that just simply was not fair.

Timing, I have recently discovered, for lack of better terms, is everything; as much as I hate to admit it, because there is nothing I would like more than to live outside of time.

Things both good and bad happen because of whether or not it is good timing or not. Not everything, but I think that this holds true for a large portion of things; in that, often times it is the determining factor of whether a particular event is good or bad.

For example, I think that it is very well possible that our relationship would have worked if we had met two or so years from now.

But we didn’t.

We met last fall.

In September.

She was 19 at the time and I was 21. And we were at different stages in our lives. We still are. And no matter how things went, no matter how hard we tried to overcome that, it just couldn’t happen.

Because of timing.

Timing happens for the best too though. Things seem to have a way of falling into place in a way that only timing can create such an impact. For example, there are times in my life that I’m struggling with a certain thing and not only does one event happen in response to this struggle, but many times it is a group of events that does so.

And that can really make an impact.

I’ve been noticing this more and more in my life. How God can use timing as such a powerful tool for growth. If one event happens that dislodges some aspect about yourself, you don’t really put too much thought into it. However, if a group of similar events happens – one after the other – you are really given something to think about.

For example, part of the blowup between my ex-girlfriend and me was over my inability to converse. I am a somewhat quiet person by nature. I’m a Mount, and all Mount men seem to be men of few words to different degrees. So, it’s simply who I am to a certain extent, and I know that I will never be the guy who dominates all conversations. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for my whole life. And my ex-girlfriend struggled with it, not to her fault,but because she is a very talkative and social person. She is a Communications major.

Only days before this came out, I had a long conversation with my roommate, Clay. And it helped me to understand myself better. I had just finally become comfortable with who I was, and came to like my personality; no longer taking it for granted.

And then “the blowup” happened.

Which, the former gave me the strength to hold my ground.

I’m not normally an extremely stubborn person, but I was about this, because I felt that this was a very large aspect about who I am as a person. Which is true. And because of this, things escalated.

But, a week after “the blowup,” I was in Portland, Oregon for spring break with my good friends Danny and Charlie. There was a night were we met a group of girls on a bachelorette party at a karaoke bar. I was feeling down that night and therefore was particularly quiet. The girls inquired my friends about this. “Why is your friend so quiet,” they asked both Danny and Charlie.

One of the girls struck up a conversation with me. One of the things that she asked me was, “What is your story?” I did not have much to say (which became the inspiration behind my “about me” for the blog, i.e. my story). And I didn’t even ask her what her story was.

Once I returned home it dawned on me that I wasn’t even interested in finding out her story, or telling her mine. I was not interested in being present and engaged in that situation.

And I realized, through the accumulation of these events, and a few more, which I don’t feel the need to delve into, that I simply need to be more focused in on my surroundings.

I’m a deep thinker and a bit of a space case and, consequentially, I am in and out of my surroundings, as I spend much of my time inside of my head, daydreaming or thinking. I am not engaged with my surroundings very consistently, and it wasn’t until these events happened together that I truly understood this and that God put it in my heart to fix it, or at least improve it.

There are times when it is okay to be in and out. But most times, I realized that I need to be interested, engaged, and focused in on my surroundings.

Especially if I wish to become a writer and an observer.

I now understand the balance between accepting who I am and developing that person; something that I thought I had a grasp on, but apparently did not.

And it is because of timing.

Even though we weren’t technically dating at the time of “the blowup” it was basically a break up. It was a rather complicated relationship as you probably get the vibe of.

And, as I previously said, I first reacted out of anger and spite.

Then, I reacted in sadness. It made it harder to get out of bed in the mornings (something that always poses a great challenge for me anyway).

Because I realized that I’m still crazy for that girl. And that she is still the awesome girl that I chased after for months, despite our conflicts. She is well worth everything I put into our relationship, and probably deserved more from me.

But now, I accept what happened. I understand that it was not her fault, nor was it mine.

It was just a matter of timing.

And that is okay.

Things happened like that.

And – even if in the mean time I experience relationships that end similarly – one day, I will experience good timing with a girl.

And we will get married.

Not because she is the only one for me, but because she is one who is compatible.

And whom I met at the right time.

What is funny is, it’s the bad timing that sometimes turns into good timing. For, if those events did not happen together; if the end of our relationship wasn’t a result of bad timing, I wouldn’t have learned what I learned. And I wouldn’t be where I am now.

I wouldn’t have this particular understanding of God.

So, if you get anything out of this blog, please understand that timing happens; good and bad. And God calls one to act accordingly. That, if it is viewed correctly, it can always be made for the better.

Because God has always used both good and bad timing for His benefit. And I think that He calls for us all to do the same.

And that bad timing can actually turn into good timing.

Because if I wasn’t going through this difficulty right now, I wouldn’t be prepared for it in the future, when it will most likely happen again. I wouldn’t have the understanding of myself that I do now, and I wouldn’t have the tools to develop myself into the best person I can be, and to prepare for next time something similar happens.

And, to be repetitive, I wouldn’t have this particular understanding of God.

Because of timing.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Jordan Bishop permalink
    March 28, 2011 12:19 am

    I enjoyed this–the honesty.

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